Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
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excuse me
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.