Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
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Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Breaking news:
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.