*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
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Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…