RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.