If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.