Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
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Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*