Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.