Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
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I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
These aliens are taking forever.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point