Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
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Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.