Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
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What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I’m crying im so happy for them
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My first son he is wonderful
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are