Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
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FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
the greatest twitter interaction