[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
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I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Swedish for common sense.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
guys I’m going home
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT