Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
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MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
me, after any kind of buffet.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will