People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
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If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Taliband
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?