Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
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Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
What the hell is going on?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!