Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
You Might Also Like
opening twitter today
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
when you don’t want to be too vague
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.