Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
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Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
hear me out : pockets for your socks