therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
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Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”