the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
we’re gonna need another temp
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]