It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*struts into the new year
~ trips
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
buying dead houseplants to save time
Me My dog
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you