airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
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Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I love you…
…r dog.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now