Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
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Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I want what they have
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
It’s a gift
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.