murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
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Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions