Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
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Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”