toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
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Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*