another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
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Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
oh u like geography? name every lake
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.