My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
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I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!