Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
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If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
My safe word is Worcestershire
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop