When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Pass gas, not judgment.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Lmao
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Owl Sanctuary
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses