My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
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Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I have a black belt in leather
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.