My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.