“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING