Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
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I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.