[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
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*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?