I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
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I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Pickled cat.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]