MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
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This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I like crazy people until they notice me
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
finally
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious