Eggs benadryl my favourite
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Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I am all good here, 😂😉
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.