4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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#Caturday
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
when someone compliments me
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.