GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
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Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
🙂🙃🥹
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?