The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
do what now??
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
hmm conte-me mais
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.