coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
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9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Husband of the year 😂
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..