ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
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how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Every work meeting this week
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.