Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Hot Panini is in big trouble
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.