I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
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Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick