My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
You Might Also Like
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
she has a point