It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
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I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
So true for me
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I hate everything
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.