Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
You Might Also Like
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…