If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
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Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?