Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I’ll be mad as hell!
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me