When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
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Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Auto correct is my worst enema.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*orders delivery*
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.